so, i think i finaly have a hold on my problem. as most of you know, i have been known to have a bad history with drugs, but for the past year i have been trying my hardest to get my shit together, and on the 28th of may 2009 i will have six months clean and sober from all drugs and alcohol. i know that i have done alot of shitty things along the way, including breaking the heart of the person that i love most time and time again. and i still love her, but there is no way to prove that to her now, after all the shit that i have done, and all the pain i have put her through. what i didnt relize, or chose not to relize while i was getting high was that everything i did affected her... every choice i made was not only hurting myself, but it was hurting the people that i love.

i know that i have to stay clean, because if i dont, i will end up dieing. with my history, if i went back to getting high again, i would probley over dose the first day. i cant do that and have to hang on at all costs. i know that, and i will be damned if i go back to the way i use to live.

that girl i was talking about earlier, that is bonnie. i have also come to the conclusion that i will never put her through that shit again, and although that doesnt take away from the trauma from the past, hopefully it will improve the future. i still fucking love her, and sometimes i hate it, because a part of me knows that it will never work out again, but another part of me has some hope that maybe some day, some how it will. but for right now, i have accepted that i may have to love her from not only a physical distance, but also an emotional distance. i think about her all the time, and it is hard to not be able to see her. her mother still wants me dead, so even if i could get to where she is, i would die, or have the police called on me... so that is out of the question.

she will always have a hugs chunk of my heart, and even though i was getting high, when she was in my life, even though everything was falling apart around me, something was right. i think she is the person that i am ment to be with, and i fucked it up, really bad.

besides that, life is going good now, i have a job, i am supporting myself, i am sober, which i wouldnt have it any other way, and i am finding out who i really am, not the person that i always knew. this person is better, stable, sober, and actually happy with out having to get high. when i was high, i was misrable, but now, i couldnt be happier... (unless she was here).